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Lesbian Tantra
Tantra Discover your yin yang potential or the Tantric equivalent Shiva Shakti potential. We have included lesbiankamasutra tantra in the web guide because Tantra has become a more contemporary Kama Sutra. The Kama Sutra deals with the subtleties and technicalities of sexuality and was originally designed for the privileged class of Hindu society. Tantra is also a guide to passionate self-expression and proposes methods through meditation to achieve subjective awareness utilising the five senses, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touch/feeling, to explore sensitivity and intimacy through dynamic meditation. Click on seXions and choose a chapter. Within each chapter there is an exercise or Tantric meditation closely connected with the position displayed, with step-by-step instructions for the individual to do alone or with a partner or friend.
What is Shakti?
Tantra and Shaktism as two distinct historical streams of spirituality have greatly influenced each other over the centuries. Shakti is a universal principle of the feminine aspect of power. We describe Shaktism as goddess worship and all the references to the divine in lesbiankamasutra are devoted to her, Shakti, the energetic embodiment of female reality.
What is Tantra?
Tantra is composed of Sanskrit words and has several ways it can be understood. It meansî the wayî but also ìmethodsî and, in an expanded sense ìmethods of going beyondî. It can mean ìtransformationî, ìexpansionî and ìweavingî. Tantra embraces every single aspect of our life experience; it weaves together all its many aspects. Tantra is an ancient spiritual path that predates many of the worlds established religions. Although strands have emerged within established religious doctrines it is not itself a religion, as it requires no prior belief, but simply a willingness to investigate. The earliest teachers of Tantra were often women, especially those who earned their livelihood as washer women (dombi) and other women from lower castes. One such guru was ëLady in Saffroní who was a coconut vendor and apparently an accomplished Tantric adept. Tantra is a method of investigation, it is a way of living that helps us to open our hearts and minds and celebrate the whole of life.
How can Tantra be lesbian?
How can Tantra be lesbian? We have developed Tantric lesbian love or lesbiankamasutra tantra, different from the hetero sexual Tantra. We have lesbian interpretations of tantric philosophies and meditations. We have concocted our own idiosyncratic meditations and exercises. We have taken a tiny aspect of the Tantra teachings as a tool to aid self-knowledge, especially the aspects dedicated to the body and the unburdening of conditioned reflexes so that we can learn the Tantric methods for ourselves and benefit from it as lesbians. Tantra is essentially the marriage of energy and consciousness. The heterosexual Tantric symbol is of Yab Yum: A picture of a male and female deity in divine sexual embrace, which represents the union of pure energy, the female deity or goddess, with pure consciousness, the male deity or god. We have decided to invent a lesbian tantric symbol Yum Yum: A picture of two female deities in a cosmic spiritual sexual embrace, which represents the union of pure energy with pure consciousness.
Why lesbian kamasutra tantra?
Discover your yin yang potential or the Tantric equivalent Shiva Shakti potential. We have included lesbiankamasutra tantra in the web guide because Tantra has become a more contemporary Kama Sutra. The Kama Sutra deals with the subtleties and technicalities of sexuality and was originally designed for the privileged class of Hindu society. Tantra is also a guide to passionate self-expression and proposes methods through meditation to achieve subjective awareness utilising the five senses that we experience as sight, sound, taste, touch and smell, to explore sensitivity and intimacy through dynamic meditation. What we hope to achieve by developing tantric lesbian love is to integrate the union of lesbian sex, love and meditation. We shall progress along the lesbiankamasutra tantric path to lesbian tantric discovery. Integrate Tantra into the fabric of your every day lives, whether in relationship or not, we are all constantly in a relationship with ourselves and so Tantra is relevant to every one. When you click on Tantra you will be introduced to a selection of chapters which represent different sexual positions which form the lesbian kama sutra, each of these comes with a Tantric exercise for you to experiment with either alone or with a partner. Samples Experiment with the Tantra breast meditation in the lesbiankamasutra free chapter sample Bosom Buddies Sample the lesbiankamasutra tantric embrace positions in chapters. Yab Yum, Yab Yab and Yum Yum Lesbian Kamasutra

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My First Lesbian Experience
My name is Bonnie; 5 ft. 7” longhaired brunette, Nice figure. 36C’s 24-38. I took my vacation to Calgary, Canada to go to the Calgary Stampede Rodeo. I had heard a lot about the fun and partying and I was going to take part in that this year. My flight left Dallas to Calgary and arrived at 09:20. I rented a car and headed to the hotel where I reserved a room for the10 day run. The next day I went down town to watch the parade. The parade floats came by one by one. I spotted this cowboy acting a little crazy. Jumping off and on the float with a beer in his hand. I just had to meet this cowboy! I tried to follow the parade, but the people were everywhere and I lost him in the crowd. After the parade event was over I went to the bar where all the contestants go to party. Several cowboys tried to pick me up. They had started talking their line to pick up the ladies. I knew it was BS because the guys I have been out with all use along these same lines. I had one objective, and that was to find this Hunk” in those pretty little tight blue jeans. After walking around the looking for him, I found him there at the bar. A shot glass in one hand and a beer in the other & kind of drunk already. It was about 1pm.This guy was Don. The next dayI made it to the rodeo & my found seat in the stands. Great seats, Right behind the bucking chutes. I could see the rough stock and the pretty cowboy’s as they ready themselves for their ride. The grand entry came out; the announcer introduced the rodeo executives, dignitaries and other event officials. Then the bareback bronco riding started, watching the cowboy behind the chutes. This guy caught my eye again. The rodeo announcer said his name was Don & Don had a nice round butt, an upper body that girls would kill for to have walking next to them. “A Hunk” in tight blue jeans with a wear mark in his hip pocket from a can of Copenhagen and a large bulge in the front of those tight blue jeans. I just had to meet this cowboy! I spoke to him over the security fence. He said something totally original. He said “ Well little gurly Slap your ass against the wall cause here I come balls and all” Wow! what a come on! I asked if he was there alone. Don said he wasn’t, “his girlfriend didn’t care too much for rodeos or the smell of horse manure. So she stayed at the hotel” We talked while, as he was getting ready for his bareback horse. We seemed to hit it off right away. He was good looking, since of humor but he drinks too much. The night rodeo was over. Don asked me to join him back to his hotel room. I said, “Your girlfriend is there” he said she would be asleep and not to worry. I went along with his plan. We arrived at the hotel room; he closed the door behind us. He asked if I wanted a drink. Ah, No I said. He made a drink for him and grabbed a beer as we sat down on the couch. He started kissing my neck. Wrong. I am very sensitive abound the neck. I was getting flushed and getting hotter by the minute. I could tell what Don had on his mind. He placed his hand on my breasts and needing them like they were raw pie dough. This was sending me over the edge. My pussy was wet, my mouth was dry and having trouble breathing. Soon he had me naked and was kissing my body in places I could not reach. His wranglers were getting tight around the crouch, as the budge in them was evident that he had a woody! I un-buttoned and pulled the zipper down to release his member from the confined space his cock was in. Don’s dick fell out of his wranglers like a champion. I started giving him head while I was playing with his balls. He was sliding his fingers in & out of my wanting snatch. We moved to the 69-position, I was on the top & getting closer to cummming when Don passed out. I thought to myself. Oh Shit! There I was, in this cowboy’s hotel room, naked, horny, this drunk’s dick in my mouth and his girlfriend was asleep in the bedroom. I rolled over on my side & I lay there ah few minutes wondering what to do. I was surprised when I felt a wet tongue on my clit. I looked down and I found this Drop Dead OMG beautiful woman feeding at my snatch. It was Brenda, Don’s girlfriend. She was about 5’ 3” redhead with sky blue eyes, well built body, about 36’c titties looking at me. I’d never had sex with a lady & kind of concerned of what to do. I pulled away and asked her what hell she thinks she was doing! She said, “Shut Up Bitch, Just relax and enjoy, Sweetie, I will tell you what to do” She rolled Don off and pushed him to the floor. said, We ain’t going to need him. He’s in getting in my way. Brenda slowly moved her tongue up and down my slit & going deeper each time. This was new to me. I had never been with a woman before. But I was loosing my worries and starting to enjoy her movements. Brenda knew where she liked her pussy licked and she was doing the same way. I said “Brenda have you done this much? She said she was bi and really preferred females over males” She was excellent at it. Her tongue was at its deepest point when I felt her finger enter my love connection. First 1 then 2 very loving fingers making my snatch do things she has never experienced. Brenda slowly increased her speed and depth. She had two fingers in my pussy when I felt something pushing at my bunghole. She had her thumb at the entrance to my bunghole. She used the wetness of my pussy to lube her thumb and my dark side. She could tell by my moaning and thrashing about I was about to cum. She shoved her thumb in my butt hard and fast. I lost it. Oh Damn –It Brenda fuck it, Oh Fuck my holes make me cum. Ohhh God! I need to cum!" I screamed. "Finger me deep darling! Make me cum Oh FucK me forever. Make me cummmm As I was coming down from the highest orgasm I’d ever had. I lay there a few moments trying to get moisture back in my mouth. I heard Brenda return with a double-headed vibro. Brenda gave me a sheepish little grin. She moved to my front side and sat down. She took my right leg and placed it over her left. Playing with the dong she set 1 end at my crutch and 1 at hers. She told me to fuck myself with it. This must be a foot and half long. I said. She said not to be concerned with that. I started to rub my wet clitty with is rubber dick. She moved in closer to me & placed her other head at her cunt entrance. She then moved in closer to me. I started moving to her and then back again riding this as it vibrates. Soon we were in rhythm. Slow, shallow strokes became fast and deep in just a few minutes. Wow, I was getting off again at the hands of this magnificent lady. I felt pressure starting to build in my shaven Coochie. I pushed as for forward as I possible & held it there. Moving side to side. Damn what a feeling! I exploded and lost my balance and fell off the couch. We just lay there joined with this dildo between us. This was just what I needed. Brenda was from California and I from Texas. She quit her job and moved in with me in Dallas. Brenda & I are married now. She is still the best fuck I have ever had… SexTails

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Weekeng Getaway
It was girls weekend. No boyfriends or husbands; just laughs, gossip, and lots of drinks flowing. Grace and Sarah had been friends since childhood. But lately, with work, kids and day to day life, getting together had become tougher. Grace had read about cabins for rent up in the mountains, it seemed like the perfect getaway for her and Sarah. “No kids, dishes or laundry for two whole days?” asked Sarah. “Count me in!” “Don’t forget about the wine and chocolate”, said Grace, “we’ll completely indulge, you know, make sure we do it right!” Sarah laughed to herself on the other end of the definite, as long as she’d known Grace, she’d always been the wild one....she just shrugged and thought, “that’s why I love her”. “Ok, lets do it!”. Grace squealed with excitement....”this is going to be so much fun!” The cabin turned out to be very cozy. Since there was still a chill in the air, they decided to light a fire before popping open the first bottle of wine. Grace and Sarah talked for hours and got caught up on all the juicy gossip they’d each been missing. Grace told Sarah about a friend who’d just had her first girl on girl experience. Sarah looked shocked. She was definitely the shyer of the pair and couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Oh, come on, Sarah, women are so much prettier to look at and softer”, said Grace giving her gorgeous friend the once over. Sarah had that slight frame that a girl would kill for. A tiny waist, and breasts that looked like soft supple mounds under her tank top. Grace noticed she had just cut her hair, probably for their weekend. Grace had taken steps to look her best this weekend too, just in case they found themselves at the local shops in town. She had her favorite jeans on that begged you to look at her rounded ass and her t-shirt was snuggly fit over large breasts. “ I know” said Sarah, “I just don’t know if I could ever be that intimate with another woman”. They dropped the subject and Grace ran to the kitchen. “I just remembered, I brought tequila!” Grace yelled into the living room. “Oh boy, we’re gonna be sick, Grace” “No way! This will be fun, besides there’s no alarm clock for the morning”, said Grace as she returned to their seats by the fire place with a bottle of Cuevo and two shot glasses she had found in the cabinets. She poured two shots and they toasted to a weekend of girlfriends. Sarah felt her cheeks flush right away. “Wow, that’s strong” “Don’t worry, the second always goes down much easier” “The second???” “We’re here to have fun right?” and with that, they’re party began...The two girls were giggling uncontrollably. “Ok, be honest, have you ever kissed a girl before?, asked Sarah, who was getting braver with every shot. “Well, just once. But, I have to admit, I did like it”, said Grace. “I was drunk and this girl I had met at a party dared me to kiss her, it was so soft! What about you?” “Not yet, I kind of feel left out, you kissed some other girl before your best friend?” laughed Sarah. They stopped and their eyes locked. “Do you want to try?” asked Grace. Sarah said nothing, instead, just leaned in and gently kissed Grace, it wasn’t awkward like she thought it would be. Grace was right, her lips were softer than any other she’d ever kissed before. Instead of backing off, Sarah lips lingered at Grace’s mouth....they’re tongues slid against each others and both girls could feel their bodies heating up. Grace cupped Sarah’s breast over her little tank top and Sarah followed suit. Grace stopped kissing her friend for a moment and said, “should we be doing this?”, Sarah looked at Grace with a devilish smile and said “it is girl’s weekend, we can do whatever we want”. They went back to kissing and Grace felt Sarah’s fingers circling her nipples. Grace kissed Sarah harder as she felt herself get wet from her friends touch. Grace reached under Sarah’s skirt and found that she was getting wet too! Sarah pulled off Grace’s t-shirt, exposing her breasts that were being held in by a black lacy bra. She pulled Grace’s breasts free from their confines and began kissing them. Grace ripped off Sarah’s tank and bra in one shot saying, “ I want to play too!!” The girls took turns running their tongues over each others tits and sucking on each others nipples. Grace returned to under Sarah’s skirt and was rubbing her hot pussy over her the delicate cloth that was covering it. Sarah took a deep breath when she felt Grace’s fingers brush against her clit. She then unzipped Grace’s jeans and pulled them away along with her thong. Grace found herself sitting naked on the couch. She pulled down Sarah’s thong and pushed her skirt up to get better access to her now soaking pussy. Grace gently played with her friends clit then pushed her first two fingers in to the hole that was aching for her. Sarah started to play with Grace’s clit and the two were finger fucking each other. Grace could feel her body rushing with excitement when Sarah suddenly stopped, “I want to taste you” Sarah said. She knelt down in front of Grace and licked the length of her slit. Grace let out a shrill of ecstacy and Sarah, getting hot from hearing her friend enjoy her some much, dove into her pussy, flicking Grace’s clit with her little pink tongue and licking her hole while Grace fondled her breast with one hand and ran her other through Sarah’s soft hair. Grace’s clit began throbbing and she knew she was going to lose control. Sarah was alternating between sucking and flicking her clit until Grace lost total control. When Grace’s hips finished bucking, Sarah’s head surfaced from down below and came up to kiss Grace. When grace tasted herself on Sarah’s tongue, she knew it was time for Sarah to get a turn. Her kisses got lower on Sarah’s neck until Grace found herself at Sarah’s soft tits again. She licked Sarah’s nipples while her other hand got Sarah’s clit ready for Grace’s tongue. Grace kissed her stomach and made her way down her hips and over to her inner thigh. She drew circles with her tongue, teasing her til Sarah begged her to lick her pussy. Grace licked her clit and lapped up her juices until Sarah screamed with delight. She never knew she would enjoy pleasing her friend so much! She licked and licked and sucked on her friends delicate little clit until Sarah began orgasming just like she had only a few minutes ago. The two went at it all weekend and vowed to make “girls weekend” a regular delight! Fantasies

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Colin Farrell Sex Tape: Naked Truth?
Nicole Narain would like an apology. Since Colin Farrell named her as a codefendant in the law-suit he filed on July 18 to prevent the sale of an X-rated videotape the two made in 2002, the Playboy Playmate says she has lost work modeling jobs and Playboy promotional appearances as well as sleep. "I try not to let too many things get to me, but this is definitely stressful," she says, enjoying the quiet in her North Hollywood condo only because she has unplugged her pink fur-covered phone. As she tells it, she doesn't want the steamy video made public any more than Farrell does. "I really would like my name to be cleared," she says. "I have nothing to do with this." Farrell begs to differ. According to a statement from his lawyer Martin Singer, the actor offered Narain the opportunity to "join with us in stopping the tape from being exploited... and she refused." And so she was named as a codefendant in his lawsuit, along with agent-producer David Hans Schmidt. For his part Schmidt makes no apologies about his intent to sell the tape. "I have a written agreement," he says, "that authorizes me to procure the sale and distribution of the Colin Farrell-Nicole Narain sex video." Not any authorization granted by her, insists Narain, 31. "The only time I ever spoke to him, I told him he didn't have my consent," she says. Whatever the source of the confusion, this much is sure: Narain didn't foresee the trouble when she buzzed Farrell into her second-floor L.A. apartment in August of 2002. A year earlier, the native of Aurora, Ill., had been modeling in the Chicago area where previously she had worked in shipping at General Mills. She was out clubbing one night in 2001, met a Playboy exec, moved to L.A., and before long the childhood tomboy had been crowned the magazine's Miss January 2002. In July of that year, Narain met Farrell at a Playboy Mansion party. "We just hit it off instantly," she says. "He's like a free spirit, just like me." Spirited is right. A month later, they made the video together. "There's nothing off the wall about [the tape]," says Narain. "It's just two people enjoying each other physically." Six months or so after it began, their relationship "fizzled," she says, because "he wasn't in town a lot." But they remained on good terms. About five months ago, she says, they ran into each other, and Farrell asked her to make him a copy of the tape. She did but it never got to him. Schmidt, her codefendant in the law-suit, won't say how the tape came into his possession. While her lawyer conducts an investigation, Narain, sounding guarded, says that "whether it was lost or stolen cannot be discussed." She thinks either is possible: "I've moved three times in the last two months, and all the parties I had before I left..." Narain insists that on July 13, as soon as she heard a copy of the tape was circulating, she called Farrell on his cell phone: "I was crying. I told him, 'I don't understand how this happened.' He said, 'Calm down. Without my consent or yours, nothing is going to happen.' " Narain says she did not agree to his request to grant him "entire ownership" of the tape. "It's partly mine too," she says. "I do have rights." Still, she says, she did not consent to its distributionwhich is why her name in the lawsuit has left her, she says, "a little bit confused." And a lot hurt. "She's a strong person, but she's very upset," says her mother, Rose, who raised Nicole and her two siblings as a single mom. "I call her every day and tell her to keep her head up. Hopefully, it'll be over soon." In the meantime, Narain benefits from the unexpected coverage the ordeal is providing. She is using it in a reality show about her life, produced by her friend and former Miss Ohio Candace Smith, that she is shopping to the networks and cable stations. Narain is still angry that Farrell has "painted me in this horrible light," she says. But if he apologized, she would forgive him and then some. "Maybe we'd make another tape," she says with a grin. "A longer version." People News

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Lesbian Sex: What Do Lesbians Do?
What is lesbian sex? What do lesbians do? Many people seem totally unable to imagine what two women could do together. As a public service, this article seeks to enlighten readers on the subject of lesbian sex. This is not meant to be prurient but simply to inform. Heterosexuals might use some of this information to enhance their own sex lives. Remember, these activities are enjoyed by different women and at different times. Why do people seem to have so much difficulty figuring out lesbian sex? One reason might be that some people (but not most women) think that a woman must be penetrated by a penis to enjoy full sex. There are many crude comments by men about or to lesbians that allude to this false belief. This, of course, is not true. Lesbians tend to be much more whole body sexual than do most heterosexuals. Hugging from head to toe, kissing and caressing the entire body is very common. The average time for lovemaking between lesbians is 90 minutes as opposed to 20 minutes for heterosexuals. Lesbians have more orgasms than their heterosexual sisters do, which is not surprising given that women need more time to become fully aroused but when they do they can keep going. When people imagine lesbian sex, the most common image is that of mutual masturbation. This is never or almost never practiced. One woman may insert two or three fingers into her partner while keeping a thumb on her partner's clitoris. She moves her fingers inside her lover and her thumb on her clitoris. She may be moving against her lover's thigh. Another practice is called tribidism and an old term for lesbians is Tribids. This is a fancy word for mutually rubbing, or grinding against each other's genitals. This can go all the way to orgasm but is most frequently part of "foreplay." I have put "foreplay" in parenthesis because it really is not a part of lesbian sex. It is meant to warm up the partners for intercourse and since lesbians are not goal oriented while making love, the concept of "foreplay" doesn't have much meaning. Probably the most beloved practice is oral sex. One partner concentrates on pleasuring the other and this gives her great pleasure also. Becoming more and more common is the dildo with strap on. Dildos have been around for a long time. All archeological digs turn them up and the diary of Ann Lister, a Tom (butch) in early 19th century England mentions them. The dildo wearer inserts the dildo through a hole in the strap on and snugs it in with a ring. The strap has a base, which rubs against the wearer's clitoris thus stimulating her as she moves against her partner. These are the most common practices of lesbian sex. The most important idea is that lesbian sex involves the whole body. While the sex is sometimes urgent and fast, most times it is slow and takes its time. Heterosexual lovers can take these tips from lesbians and enhance their own lovemaking. Associated Content

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Lesbian Sex Drives: When Your Sex Drives Are Not the Same
If there is one question I get more than any other, it’s from couples who have different sex drives. They’re too embarrassed to talk to their friends about it and with each other, the issue becomes so heated they can't talk about it. Both partners are left frustrated with no place to turn. The first thing you need to know is that you are not alone. According to Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage, one in every three couples suffers from sex drive differences. She, of course, is writing about straight married couples, but therapists that I know assure me that this is the number one issue that couples come into counseling for: whether lesbian, gay or straight. Yet, despite it’s prevalence, it seems we have very few tools to deal with this issue. Some people have low sex drives. Others have high sex drives. You may be very happy to have sex one or two times a year. Your partner might want it every day. You might feel like you’re the one to always initiate sex and most times your advances are turned down. You feel rejected, unloved, unattractive and insecure. How can you talk about this range of emotions with your partner, when she just “doesn’t get it?” Likewise, if you are the one who has a lower sex drive, you don’t understand what the big fuss is. You show her you love her everyday by cuddling, telling her you love her and doing little things for her around the house. Sex just isn’t that important to you. You express your closeness, intimacy and love in a different way. Having a low or high sex drive is not the issue. How it affects your relationship is. If one of you loves to go to the movies and the other doesn’t, no big deal. She can go alone, or find a friend to go with. Sex, however, is quite a different matter. Sure you can masturbate. And you should. Masturbation can solve your need for orgasm, but it doesn’t fulfill that part of you that longs to be close to your partner, experience passion with another person and feel sexy and desired. Why is this an Issue? I hear time and time again from lesbians, after they break up, that lack of sex was an issue. They loved their partner deeply, but just didn’t want to live a sexless life. Others are just frustrated because their partners expect them to be monogamous, yet, aren’t having sex with them. Some step out and have affairs. Dealing with different sex drives is not something that will just go away if you ignore it. This article will help you explore some solutions for getting your relationship back. What Can You Do: If You’re The One with a Low Sexual Drive First and foremost, find a way to talk about the issue with your partner. Communication and understanding are key to solving this problem. Do you understand why you have a low sex drive? Are you taking medications that affect your libido? Are you depressed or do you have a poor body image? Were you the victim of sexual abuse and does that affect your ability to be intimate? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, they are all valid reasons for having a low sex drive. But they are also issues that can be addressed with a professional--a therapist, your doctor. It’s your life. Take control of it! Recognize Your Power The person in the relationship with a low sex drive is often the one who controls how often the couple will have sex. Your partner initiates, you turn her down, no sex happens. Isn’t a relationship supposed to be 50/50, sharing and taking care of one another? In an ideal world, I guess. But the reality is, nothing in a relationship is equal. If one of you makes more money than the other, there can be a power imbalance. In the case of sex, it’s the one with less who usually has to power. She asks, you turn her down. You might not even care, or want to change. That too gives you power. But if your lack of sex drive is causing problems in your relationship, you need to make some changes too. Here are some ideas to try. Have Sex You may not feel like having sex. You’re not in the mood, you’re tired and you just want to sit on the couch eat ice cream and watch American Idol. But your lover is giving you that look, she’s rubbing your feet and her hands are starting to move up your body….what do you do? Yes, you have a right to say no. No one should be made to do something they don’t want to, but why not say “yes” for a change? The way human sexual response works is that many people may not start out “in the mood,” but once they get going, their sexual energy rises and they end up getting aroused and enjoying sex. Why not see if that works for you? From time to time it is okay to have sex with your partner just to do so. Even if your needs are not satisfied, it is okay to do something for her and for her only from time to time. Pretend it’s her birthday and this is the one gift she really wants. Take Charge of Your Limitations Do you only want sex on weekends, while on vacation or after you’ve had a long bath? If you know that’s what you need to get in the right frame of mind for sex, then do those things. And then invite your partner to join you for love-making. Make Yourself Sexy When couples first get together, they usually have great sex, and then gradually it slows down. Aside from the hormones that were racing through your body, there were probably some things you did to make yourself sexy for your partner. Did you dress in sexy outfits, go out dancing or make sensuous meals and feed each other? Think back to a time when you did feel sexy and sexual and see if you can bring some of that back into your life. Likewise, have you gained weight, let your hair go or stopped working out now that you’re “settled?” If you don’t feel good about yourself, you’re not going to feel good about someone else getting intimate with you. Head back to the gym, buy a new outfit or get a sexy new haircut. Really, these things will help your sex life. Don’t Just Say No If you really don’t feel like having sex, instead of saying “No, Honey, not tonight. I’m tired.” Instead give her another option. How about on Saturday after your softball game? Or if you give me a back rub, then I’ll get in the mood. For the Partner With the Higher Sex Drive: What Can You Do? You love your partner. Sometimes just looking at her, you get turned on. She is sexy and funny and smart and you can’t wait to show her how you feel by making love to her. In your mind, you make a move and she’s right there with you. You fall together and make passionate love for hours. In reality, you make a move, she tells you she’s tired or not in the mood and you feel dejected and want to crawl into a corner. It wouldn’t be so bad, except you haven’t made love in months and it’s really starting to affect your self-esteem. You think she doesn’t love you anymore, she finds you unattractive or is mad at you about something else. Probably none of that is true. Your lover just has a lower sex drive than you. She expresses her love to you in different ways and she doesn’t quite get your need to be intimate all the time. “Isn’t cuddling enough?” she wants to know. So, what can you do? Here are some things to try: Try to See Things Her Way Most women who lose their sexual desire still find their partners attractive, good mates and love them very much. It’s just that they have a low libido. Every time she turns you down, she feels guilty. She doesn’t understand why she feels this way (or even if she does, she doesn’t know what to do to change it.) All she can see is that she’s making you unhappy, that you blame her for your unfulfilled needs and she wishes the whole problem would just go away! Don’t Blame It may be hard, but instead of blaming the problem on your wife’s lack of libido, take a look at yourself and see if there is anything you have been doing that might make her feel less than amorous. Have you been fighting a lot about other things? Is she taking on most of the burdens of the household? Is she really stressed out about something that you can help to alleviate--like trying to juggle care for her aging parents and her children while holding down two part-time jobs? Who would want to have sex with all that going on? If there is a way you can step in and help, do so. Stop Pushing on the Same Door You’re not having sex as often as you like. Your wife knows this. You know this. You’ve hinted at it. You’ve made moves, only to be rejected. You’re frustrated and it shows, so every time she pushes you away, you get hostile or hurt. And you continue to do the same thing over and over, even though it is not helping the situation. In order for things to change, you need to change your tactics. You’ve gotten into a negative pattern here and one of you needs to stop it. Try doing the exact opposite of what you’ve done in the past. Try NOT initiating sex for 3-4 weeks. See what happens. Try being affectionate without it turning into a request for sex. The next time she turns you down, try saying, “Okay, I just want you to know I love you.” Meet her Needs Does she need a romantic dinner, candles and sexy music to get in the mood? Does watching a sexy movie turn her on? If that’s what it takes, then do it. But don’t spring it on her as a surprise and then expect sex. Let her know you’d like to plan a sexy evening and ask her what it would take to get her juices flowing. Likewise, is there something in bed that would especially turn her on? Does she like oral sex, but you don’t like it? Does she feel unfulfilled unless there’s penetration? Make sure that you’re willing to do what she does want when the time comes to make love. Let her Know How You Feel Does she realize how serious the situation is? Because sex isn’t that important to her, she probably doesn’t realize what it means to you. Talk to her, but not in an accusing way. Use “I” statements, telling her that when she refuses you, you feel as if she doesn’t love you, is not attracted to you and like there’s something wrong with you. You’re not Right, She’s Not Wrong Stop looking at your lack of sex as a problem with her that she has to change. Instead, look at it as a problem with the relationship. This may seem like a subtle thing, but once you remove the blame from her and put it on the relationship, then it is something both of you can work to fix. Get Intimate Without Having Sex Agree to be intimate and not to have sex. Spend time , giving her a foot or body massage, laying in each other’s arms, slow dance. Agree beforehand that you will not have sex. Then don’t. It’s very important to keep this promise to her, even if the above activities get you turned on. She needs to know that you can be intimate without it always having to lead to sex. Does Something Need to Change? Are there other issues in your relationship that need to be addressed? Do you put her down, belittle her, not pay attention her dreams and desires? To have good sex, your relationship has to be good too. Define What You Want What is it that you do want from your partner? Do you want sex once a week? For her to initiate from time to time? For her to be more affectionate outside of the bedroom? Try to be clear, don’t just say, “We never have sex. I want sex more.” Set a goal, even if you never share it with her. Like any goal, it will take time and steps to get there. If you haven’t had sex in six months, a goal of sex three times a week may not be achievable. And you’re certainly not going to get there this week. A step toward this goal might be simply to talk about the issue without fighting. Or spending the evening cuddling on the couch. Get Professional Help If you and your mate are at a stalemate and you can’t seem to work through this issue, then, please do see a good couples counselor. It may be the thing that saves your relationship. Lesbian Life at About.com